Queen of all things… VODKA

my loyal subjects are delicious….

weakness, schmeakness.

on May 26, 2011

“I’m almost embarrassed to admit to it, in this day and age, but I’d like to be married and have babies.  I’d like to have the luxury of being weak sometimes, instead of always having to be strong.  I’d like to be there when my children come home from school and I’d like to watch soap operas and vacuum rugs.”

          — Shay Kendall, female lead “Ragged Rainbows” by Linda Lael Miller

Never, ever in my life have words in a book hit home so hard for me.  And you’re talking to a chick that reads MULTIPLE novels at a time and in a week.

When I read these words on my lunchbreak today, I immediately put the bookmark in the book, tossed it on my passenger seat, and said “FUCK!”


Because these words brought to the forefront everything I have been trying to deny.  Because I am always the strong one.  With my babies, with my friends, with my family, with the douchebag that i have been wasting the last 5+ years of my life with.  I DONT FUCKING GET THE LUXURY TO BE WEAK.  EEEEEEVVVVVVVVEERRRRRRRRRRRR.

Then, partially to see what reactions I would get, and partially to see what those that i consider my TRUE friends would say or do with it, I posted it as my status on the gawdawful facebook.  One of my very best friends “liked” it.  And honestly, THAT was what I was looking for from her.  Because that meant she read it, understood it, and acknowledged it.  She didnt have to SAY anything to me.  That was nice.

But, then, thennnnn there is the total moronic bimbo — “where does the soap opera part come in?  i havent watched one since i decided to stay home 3 years ago” from some other chick that is nowhere near actual friend status.  but still, im like, really?????  you are an asshole.  its a figure of speech dumbass.  no mom with a brain thinks you actually get to watch soaps all the fucking time.  that wasnt the point.  and thanks for reiterating the fact that you are fucking clueless.

But, she does illustrate the point that a lot of people just do not get it.  Being a single mother is not an easy job.  Being a stay at home mom isnt either — please do NOT get me wrong — but in theory, you still have someone you can lean on at night when the kiddos are sleeping.  The quote, to me, doesn’t speak to me about being a stay at home mom.  It speaks to me about having that other person in your life that you can count on.  Sure, hes probably a dick half the time.  But, I bet when you really, really need him, he is there.  I bet that when you need a shoulder to cry on, he’s there.  I bet, when things just plain old fucking suck, he’s there.

Who is there for me?????  Hmmmmmmm??????

Me.  Thats it.

Sure, I have friends.  But, thats not the same.  If I truly needed someone rightfuckingnow, they would be there, have no doubt.  But, you know, they all have their husbands and families too.  So, when its 10pm and I want to talk to someone about something or nothing or enjoy a peaceful silence watching TV or I need something simple like my back scratched? Yea, I’m on my own.  Its Sex and the City, DVR’d episodes of various shows, or a book, or my computer, or just bed.  I cannot expect my BFF to come scratch my back, shes at home in bed with her hubby — as she should be.

When my father had a heartattack the first time, could I break the fuck down?  No, no I could not.  Happy face to the world, crying inside.  Show I’m scared?  Absofuckinglutely not.  Thats a crime against humanity.  (note:  my dad is ok, hes great actually, but you know what, that shit scares the fuck outta me…  and everyday I worry about him)

If I do happen to show a weakness in front of someone, they have NOOOOOO idea what to do.  None.

There’s a fucking hole in my life, and I’ve got to figure out a way to fill it.  I need to be someones priority.  I NEED that like I need air.  I need to be able to lean on someone like people lean on me.  Need a sitter?  Call the Queen — she has nothing better to do anyway.  Need a shoulder to cry on cuz your Hubby is an asshole?  Again, call Queen — she’s home alone, so she has time.  Bored sitting at home?  Just drop in on Queen — you KNOW she’s home and – BONUS – she has booze.

I’ve got to figure out how to NOT be afraid of being alone for a little while, since thats basically what has prevented me from severing all ties with the douchebag.

I’ve got to realize that the unknown might be scary, but its quite often the best thing ever too.

I’ve got to drill this stuff into my head.  So that I CAN have the luxury of being weak once in a while.  I CAN have the luxury of having a life with a man the way I want it.

I need to stop being a fucking doormat.


I think I need a drink.  😉


The Queen


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