Queen of all things… VODKA

my loyal subjects are delicious….

birds & the bees

i have an alllllllllllmost a teenager daughter.

shes always been very smart and not at all unsure of herself (i have no fucking idea where she got that from….  the confidence, not the brains, the brains is all me…  hehe).  and totally not into drama.

so when she tells me last week, “hey mom, i have a boyfriend”, i almost shit myself.  i mean it.  right there in the fucking car.  woulda been a helluva mess.

and all i can think is OHMYFUCKINGGODNOMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPSHESOUTOFHERGODDAMNEVERLOVINGMINDWHERETHEHELLISMYREALDAUGHTERTHATHATESMEN???????????????

somehow, though, i managed to not go crazy white girl on her.  i managed to continue to drive in a straight line and say, “is that right?  and who is this?” and ask other mundane questions like what PRECISELY having a boyfriend at her age means (apparently, it just means sitting together on the bus and your friends make you hug).

now, im a nazi mom, my kids do not have cell phones, they do not have email addresses, they dont have facebooks, etc etc etc.  neither one of them talks on the phone — though, that i didnt put my foot down on, they just never get or make calls (which is totally FINE by me).

so when i said, “so, does this mean a BOY is going to me calling my HOUSE?”  and she said, “GOD NO MOM!  i did NOT give him my NUMBER!!!!”  i almost died.

i mean, really????????  shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, i was holding hands with my boyfriend in 5th grade and ever since i was in preschool i had boys calling my house.  i didnt kiss with tongue til i was in 8th grade tho.  and its allllllllllllll downhill after that, so we wont discuss that here.

but still, i was shocked.  and kinda pleased.  like, ok, so this boyfriend thing is really just on the bus and at recess?  ok, i can deal.

 

then last night…….

 

she comes out of her room and says…..

 

 

oh yea, by the way mom, i got married.

 

 

UMSCUSEMEWHATTHEFUCKDIDYOUJUSTSAYTOMELITTLEGIRL??????????????????????

 

um yea, friend A and B have a thing where they say do you want him to be your husband and bla bla bla, and then they make us hug.  its seriously awkward, but yea, now im married.

 

i said, oh, child, not even close.  but, hey, as long as it doesnt go beyond hugging, call it whatcha want.

 

but i feel like i need to tell her things, like:

you dont get a boyfriend right before HIS birthday (yea, his bday is tomorrow,  and she HAD to get him a present).  get one before YOURS.

if he doesnt get you something really nice for valentines day, dump his ass.

 

what else do YOU think i need to tell her?????????????

 

 

i need a drink so bad my teeth are crying.

 

XOXO
Cheers!

 

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